A Time of Becoming

In my last post, I expressed frustration with not knowing where I was headed next. I think I may have found the key I was looking for. I have been on the spiritual path of learning and have trained a little in shamanic practices, in the past, and have read even more about it. But it was getting me nowhere. Something always felt off. I never wanted to appropriate any cultural practices without permission from a teacher of that particular culture or cultures. I never wanted to go to a weekend or even several weeks or months long workshop and declare myself a shaman. I wanted something authentic, guided by spirit,something that involves good hard, and sometimes ugly, work. I know my frustration with progress in the past has always been with myself and my lack of focus and commitment. I have already worked with reciprocity without asking for anything, as I have often done in the past, begging spirit for signs or gifts or to open me up. This time around I have just given gifts to spirit for reciprocity sake alone, for the gift of simply being here, alive, with my family. I haven’t done much of any shamanic work the last several years, focusing, instead, on deepening my knowledge of the cards. But something has happened to me more than once since 2022. In April of that year, I suffered a ruptured aneurysm, followed by an infection from the surgery to repair that aneurysm. In June of 2024, I suffered a near fatal seizure episode, and was found face down, by my then 16 year-old son, not breathing near the pond on my families vacation property. My husband performed CPR on me with instruction from the 911 operator. I continued to seize the entire time on the 35 minute drive to the closest hospital. There I was stabilized and life flighted to a GreenBay Hospital where they were better equiped to handle my situation. I remained unconscious for 24 hours. I was put on seizure medication and had countless MRI’s thru the summer until the end of August when I had surgery to remove corrupted mesh and a 4 by 1 inch chunk of my skull. It was a rough year of bad side effects, multiple medications switches, a pic line antibiotic and an epilepsy diagnosis, due to the brain trauma from infection. In May this year I suffered another serious seizure that also required CPR. It is typical to stop breathing periodically during a seizure but I had a status epilepticus seizure lasting close to 20 minutes and stopped breathing for too long. This August, I had a 3rd surgery to replace the bone that was removed last year. On my 6 week post op appointment, I received very good news from the CT scan. My brain had healed remarkably well and I may be able to reduce the dosage of seizure medication and thus reduce the side effects that have plagued me since I started taking them. Things are looking up!

Which brings me back to the seizure in May. After learning that I had required CPR again, I figured spirit was trying to tell me something. It’s not the first time I came so close to death, and indeed may have been clinically dead last June without the CPR. I have had some significant illnesses and fevers, in the past, that were enough to make me hallucinate, once even seeing a medicine man waving smoke with a feather over my whole body. Perhaps it was time to renew my commitment to spirit. I made the decision to attempt connecting with the spirits of the land that I live on, to spend more time outdoors and feel into the rhythm of the turning of the seasons, to leave a consistent offering of appreciation, to feel myself apart of the web of all that is. And I asked spirit, if it was meant to be, show me the way to a teacher, an authentic teacher who has done serious authentic work. I have done some searching and found some distance teachers but I want someone to work with me hands-on, where I am at. It has to be that way, for now, at least, to fit it in with my family and my life. So I waited. Meanwhile, I have been studying astrology. It makes a nice compliment to Tarot, so why not. Plus it is a lot to take in, and that makes it good for the brain. I recently ran across a book, Tarot Spirit Healing by Reid Hart, that basically converges Tarot and astrology with shamanic practices. I have taken his pathwork resource sheets and formulated a workbook along with reference pages I acquired from Benebell Wen’s wonderful yearly Metaphysician’s Daily Planner. With this workbook, I fully step on the path of dedicated journey work, working with personal guides and the spirits of the archetypes of the major arcana for personal healing and guidance towards the next steps in discovering my purpose.

I believe this book was put on my radar to give me a key to get my metaphoric feet back on the path. I love tarot and, as previously mentioned, I have an educated history in shamanism, if not in adequate practice. Through the Pathworking I am learning in this book, and with past knowledge, I know what I need to walk through the gates that are the tarot card archetypes to meet the spirits that will guide me thru my own deep healing and may guide me to what I can use to help others. I have long since released the ego desire to be the ‘shaman’ and if all I gain is my own personal healing and knowledge of myself, then that is something great indeed. And I have heard it said that healed people heal people by just mere presence. I am ok with that.